I have sat on many boards of directors, and since many, dare I say most, have been mediocre at best, I’ve become passionate about how to make them highly functional. Because of this, I recently had a conversation with a founder CEO, let’s call him, Joe, who asked me how to get rid of a particularly problematic board member, let’s call him Alex.

“Well, I need more context. Tell me about Alex” I asked Joe, the CEO.

Joe replied, “Alex used to be an ideal board member. He read all the materials in advance, he came prepared to the meetings with thoughtful insights, and he debated appropriately. He made a handful of high-value introductions and helped me think through some major issues. Alex was one of my best board members¹”. 

“But recently, Alex’s behavior changed drastically—arriving late, being combative, asking questions we covered 15 minutes ago, and spending board meetings on his phone. He yelled at me during our last meeting, making things intolerable. What’s the best way to fire him?

I responded, “Have you asked Alex if he’s okay?”

Blank stare from Joe.

“You know”, I continued, “Since Alex previously was one of your best board members, what has changed? Why is he acting this way? Have you just asked him if he’s alright?”

Joe kicked an invisible pebble with his foot and sheepishly admitted he hadn’t.

This is a common pattern; someone is underperforming, whether it’s a colleague, a direct report, or a board member, and the natural first step is to confront them about their performance or behavior rather than checking in to see if they’re okay.  Sometimes, we put off those conversations until they reach significantly disruptive levels (like with Joe and Alex). 

This pattern isn’t confined to our work either – we see it at home. Recently my teenager walked in the front door, threw her backpack on the ground, ripped off her shoes and socks, chucked them in 4 different directions, and thundered up the stairs. Since we had just talked about putting our stuff away before doing anything else, I shouted exasperatingly “Come back down here, put your shoes away, and hang up your backpack!”

Scolding, admonishing, yelling, or even firing someone is transactional—it puts the event before the person. It feels like the quickest fix but often makes things worse. Instead, the first step should be to start with caring.

When we default to transactional, we often unintentionally ignite a series of negative outcomes. For instance, firing Alex would have drained time, money, and trust—forcing Joe to navigate legal risks, onboard someone new, and repair business relationships. If Joe needed additional growth capital, he might have burned bridges making this improbable, potentially killing the business. 

With my kid, scolding creates micro-fractures in our relationship that build-up, sending the message that I care more about the disarray than her. Over time, it erodes trust—so when I really need her to listen, I lose the ability to guide or protect her.  In that moment, I felt my frustration boil over. But what if, instead of shouting, I had paused and asked, ‘Are you okay?’ It would have been harder, but it might have opened a door to connection.

Starting with caring It’s simple, but it’s not easy. It takes practice, presence, and a little courage, and I get it wrong frequently. When I do get it wrong, I often ask for forgiveness and try again. “Hey, sorry I yelled at you earlier. I was frustrated, but I didn’t mean to take it out on you. Can I try again? Are you okay? You seem upset.” It sends the message that the person matters more than the situation. It builds trust, strengthens relationships, and avoids costly complications—there’s no downside.

By the way, Joe ended up asking Alex if he was okay, and it turned out something was going on at home. Mortified that it affected his behavior at work, Alex cleaned up immediately. He even took a temporary leave of absence, which I have to believe led to a much better outcome for his family and his work.

Next time someone frustrates you, at home or work, take a deep breath and ask “Are you okay?”. I’d wager that over time, your relationships strengthen and deepen while your problems decrease. 

1. By the way, this is how a board member should act, and it’s the law. It’s called “Duty of Care”. ↩︎